I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sext me about skeletons
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
