Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
