I will die if light touches me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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