she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
