Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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