I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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