she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
