my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
