I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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