She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
