Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
