I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
mondays should just be called national damage control day
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
