So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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