I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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