Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
