It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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