Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
