I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
