she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
