Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
