fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
