I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
