Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
