i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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