I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
