coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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