I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
