Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
