I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
