how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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