cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
