Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
