So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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