Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
