Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
