Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
