Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
