with your own penis?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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