I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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