My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
