the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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