I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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