At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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