If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
