so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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