i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
