i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
