Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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