i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
