you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
